· paul’s theme/ set up tester blog
· fytms theme
· personal blog theme/ style sheet
· backyard bbq tickets
· gifs gifs gifs
· genetics research
· short story
· get gas
· laundry
· courtney’s theme

today’s # didn’t check :/
amt of sleep roughly 8
goals deposit checks
miles/minutes 0/0
what I ate for
breakfast nothing
lunchavocado, mashed potatoes, nacho chips and salsa verde
dinner  fried fish, fried shrimp, corn, piece of broccoli, mashed potatos
snacks chex mix, a crouton, avocado

today’s events
math is a bummer, calculated time needed for mail to az

five positives
+ avocados are yummy
+ richard talked to me
+ well-rested
+ wore new clothes
+ got tumblr things accomplished

two negatives
-  did not deposit checks
- math grade

I’m so damn cranky
I’m so tired and I miss you too much
and I miss the other you too much
and I just feel so tired and unhappy
not depression, just exhaustion

now I know why I sleep so late
until the sun touches down over the tree tops
I’m useless I’m just dead weight
where will I be when you need me the most?

I need to be made new
Wash my hands clean of everything I’ve done
The people I’ve loved
The memories I’ve created
Gone

I can’t do this to myself anymore
Sobbing in the middle of the night
Music loud but not loud enough to drown out the pain
Please, please, baby come back
Over and over until it becomes a blur

Editing my thoughts, speaking in third person
Reminiscing on a fucked up life
Unfair, miserable, irritating
Composing every day into a new symphony

How much more can I take?

I’m not really sure where I stand with anything anymore. If I were in a boxing ring with life, I’d be down and out for the count already. So much is just going wrong and I’m just discouraged and I wish I had the guts to talk about it all with people but nobody seems to take an interest in anything that’s happening.

I’m not sure what direction my education/career is headed in. On the one hand, going to art school would be fabulous. I basically have three options of places to apply to when it comes to school after my associate’s degree. I could continue on with a school in Florida, I could apply to Texas, or California. That is, provided I get accepted. If not, then I really do not know what I’m going to do. I would probably have to go to school for advertising or marketing or teaching or something but it’s not really something I’d like to do. No. What I want to do more than anything is sing in a band and live the dream. So many people say that they want to do the same but I don’t think anyone who isn’t already professional has the same level of passion that I do. And I don’t want to go in it alone. I want a band. Mike doesn’t want to pursue anything big with his music venture so now I’m back to square one. I could round up my Texas boys and start recording with them, which I don’t know why I didn’t think of sooner, but it might be a long shot. I know they’re all going to school for music business and it would only be one state away but I’m not sure if it’s worth giving up my life for. If I could have it all, I’d be able to go to a good art school in Texas and live close enough to the guys to get together and record. There’s just too many ‘buts’ involved and I don’t like it.

I hate being disrespected and I feel like I’m falling into a zone of mutual disrespect towards a lot of my family members and friends. The “kill them with kindness” act has lost its charm and now it’s heading towards rude.